I’ve been needing a good rainy day.
There are times when I just sit and wonder; about my life, about how everything turned out. When I think about everything that’s happened these last two years, I can’t help but feel that the bad outweighs the good. I see how everything has come together, how I’ve changed for the better and grown stronger, but if I had the chance to erase the last two years, I think I would.
I miss how things were. The hours spent laughing and enjoying our youth. I miss the familiarity and trust. I miss belonging; feeling loved and loving in return. I miss the wind of possibility that seemed to blow in every direction. I miss the sense of family and the feeling of eternity.
I wish I hadn’t lost all that. I wish I hadn’t been used and abused. I wish I’d taken a stand. I wish I hadn’t given up on school. I wish I hadn’t taken people for granted. I wish I’d spoken up when I had the chance. I wish I’d tried harder and really LIVED.
But the problem is, if I had a do-over, what would I do differently? I only see things clearer now because of what I’ve gone through. If I unlearned all that has been taught me these last two years, what would be the point of undoing them? They would just be repeated again. I wouldn’t have the courage to speak up. I would still lack confidence and motivation. I wouldn’t take time to truly appreciate people I didn’t know I only had for a short time.
I would only change things now because I learned from them. And what’s more important: redoing the past or changing the future? If I constantly have my eyes on what is already gone, how will I see, and appreciate, the changes and chances in the days to come? Looking back is no way to move forward.
